Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”