Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”