You Might Also Like
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Vodka burrito was a success
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The pasta is now
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?