I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?