Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
You Might Also Like
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.