It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017