According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.