I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.