Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Bit chilly again tonight.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Ha
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies