I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*