Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.