“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Actually cracking up @ this
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.