say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.