All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you