* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
had to make it
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.