Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.