i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
You Might Also Like
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.