In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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Can’t, holding a grudge
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.