I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I bet
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.