[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
This is me
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too