BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
You Might Also Like
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten