I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?