Autocorrect is my menesis
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Every time my phone rings
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
In space, no one can hear…