has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.