Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.