God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Bill is short for Billiam
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?