Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.