I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.