How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
reduce, reuse, recycle
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.