Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.