[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Woke up against my better judgment again
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.