I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
this will hang in the louvre one day
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.