SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
LMAO
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.