I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road