meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Watermelon Boss!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish