Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Most fashion shows these days…
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.