my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”