If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?