You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.