me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
For the baby who has everything
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain