Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes