BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
You Might Also Like
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.