you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
That eye roll….
Haha I chopped a jalape帽o without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn鈥檛 shown up in two weeks.
I鈥檓 not worried tho. I鈥檓 sure he鈥檒l resurface one day.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa鈥檚 death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN鈥橳 SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you鈥檙e coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
day 1: we鈥檙e in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 馃槏. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 馃が. but he always comes back 馃槍
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Happy Taco Tuesday
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher鈥檚 origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I鈥檝e been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years