stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
You Might Also Like
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Was it something I said?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I’m crying im so happy for them
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.