*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.