From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon