My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Good morning, Twitter x
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat