Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
A great tip. #CakeRex
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.