One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.