I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere